Notes from Calacanis

That’s right.  You’ve all been hearing the rumors, and I’m here to tell you that they are rumors no longer.  I am currently in the process of revolutionizing the smartphone market with the release of the CalacaniPhone.  You heard it right, my friends — I will be coming out with my own smartphone and it is going to be lightyears beyond anything that’s out there.

One of the features that I’m most excited about is the ability for myself to call any CalacaniPhone in the world and have it ring.  That’s right.  No longer will someone be able to ignore a call of mine by claiming they didn’t have the phone set to ring.  As long as I’m the person calling, that call will go through — and it will have a special ringtone that will be so ear-piercing that any dog in a ten mile radius of the CalacaniPhone will have its eardrums shatter.  Then, while little Fido is twitching on the ground, blood pooling out of its ears, my call will be answered.

Sure, there are other goodies coming out, but for now, let’s just leave it at this — this is the smartphone that I’ve always wanted.  To hell with you, idiots — this is the phone that I’ve wanted.

C.

One of the most useful ways at JasonCo to make sure that employees understand how things work is to make sure they realize there is an open door policy at all times.  For some reason, this seems to surprise a lot of people.  I don’t know why.  I mean, how else am I supposed to keep my ear to the ground if I don’t have people sneaking into my office to narc out their fellow employees?  Naturally, every once in a while, some moron will make the mistake of assuming that my open door means that I actually care about something that they have to say, but those poor boobs don’t last long at JasonCo.

For those of you who think that the way to make sure that you keep your employees happy is to listen to their complaints, it’s time to wake up and smell the reality.  In today’s world, no one cares about their employees — and at JasonCo, we pride ourselves on caring less than any other company.  When I set up the Calacanis Gulag, I made sure that one and all at the company understood that the only thing I cared less about hearing than their petty problems were the petty problems of family members.

So, if you’ve got a job, your best bet is to keep your mouth shut — unless you’re tearing down someone whose job you want.

This is Calacanis signing off, reminding you that no matter what your mother told you, you’re a freaking failure and you always will be.

C.

We’ve all been there — you have an employee who’s underperforming.  You know they’re capable of doing so much more, but instead, they simply keep giving you excuses.

“My mother died.”

“My little boy has leukemia.”

“I’ve got brain cancer.”

For so many of us, it’s hard to know how to motivate these slackers.  Luckily, I’ve discovered the simplest of solutions.

Caning.

That’s right — taking a flexible wooden dowel and smacking them sharply about the head and shoulders.  Suddenly, these slackers are all about working.

The best part is that caning isn’t illegal in certain workplaces — such as Mahalo.

So the next time that you find yourself unable to get that lazy good-for-nothing narcoleptic programmer to actually perform, just pick up that cane and go to town.

This is Calacanis saying, “Don’t hate me because I’m rich.  Hate me because I’m me.”

There really isn’t any point in introducing myself, as the name Calacanis is known throughout the interverse.  Let’s be honest here — you know who I am.  In fact, most people know who I am.  Those who claim that they don’t know me are obviously lying.

My purpose here is simple — I want everyone to understand me and to admire me.  To that end, I’ll be offering daily insight into my life, showing you what it’s like to be me.  For some of you, this will be a valuable learning experience.  For others, it’ll be something that you won’t be able to understand — like Stephen Hawking when his batteries run low.

My first discussion will be on when it’s appropriate to cane an employee.

Stay tuned.